Today.

The question that I'd been running from since the beginning of time "When and where will I further my study after I'm done with my diploma?" . And every time someone asks me that, it feels like I'm dodging bullets. There is a possibility that I'll survive but it's a thin one.

And today, I'm pretty sure what the answer is. I'm tired of telling lies to myself almost every single time this question popped out. I'm not saying that it's a certain thing, but I can see where this is headed. It's a really rocky steep cliff from up here, and it's wayyyy up high I can't even breathe right. I've been recovering real good from that last incident, but now I don't think that I can't get up again, not anymore. A clear mental image has it been. I guess I just have to be honest to myself and let go of that dream of mine to have a degree in the near future. I will work my way out for a degree, I will. I'm not sad, nor am I agitated because it's not even the right time for me to have any of these feelings. For things to be clear, I decided this for myself and it's not because of any external factors. It's not about any financial problem, nor is it about any conflicts. I have two more younger sisters that are waiting for their time to shine and an elder sister who is shining as bright as the moon. Education is vital, but family tops all. I need and have to be prepared for the future. Come what may, I'll live on for the sake of my family members. You'll call it dramatic, I'll call it F-You.

Aidilfitri & Holidays.

I'm not into blogging like the way I used to, but I really feel like writing right now 'cause there's just too much things going on and I need a medium to untangle these knots in my head. So here it is; www.blogger.com. My way of sharing things. This year's Aidilfitri got me thinking about lots of things, adding more to my list of Things-To-Think. In shorter terms, it seems the day that I'd wished to never happen is slowly building up its courage to come to the front door. And come to think of it, many of these occasions happened either in Syawal or holidays. Just pointing it out, tho.

This Aidilfitri, was the second time in my life that I'd seen my father cried his eyes out, and it wasn't good for any of us. I barely managed to hold it in, tho. He is my role model and my all-time hero and seeing him in that situation really freaks me out. I really am not ready for any of this to happen. I haven't even tell him of how much he meant to me and all of the plans that I'd kept for the future, for him, for mother, for us. All that is well will surely ends well, right? I'll be waiting, and I hope that it's worth it 'cause I'll never know.

Nicer :)

All that is well, will surely ends well :)

Death, and all of its friends.

I went back to my hometown last Tuesday and had the best brief getaway so far. Seeing once 2 year old now grown up and the best blessing was to see my grandmas from both side, healthy and happy. It wasn't long tho, for at 1900hrs(more or less) we got a text from my sister mentioning the death of his boyfriend's mother. It was a painful moment and we decided to pay a visit but had to rather cancel it because the burial is set to be at Terengganu. The next day, we went straight back to Gombak.

Today, at 1734 I received a text message from a friend of mine, his mom died. Death never knew how to rest, that's for sure. It was like the fourth most depressing moment in my life, yes FOURTH. In my head, I started imagining living as him, waking up every day with a bitter taste of loss, losing that one spot that you can cling onto, realizing that there will no longer be a happy Mother's Day, and most of all; living WITHOUT a mom. Death knows no boundaries and death cares nothing about the word 'family'. Death works alone and it causes loneliness, hard fact. I started imagining things, lots of things. Mostly about the possibility of death occurring anytime anywhere. When will I be dead? Everybody dies, so it's a really disturbing question that lingers endlessly in my head.

Nightmares, they did happen to me once in a while. But what nightmare is for me, is totally different from your average ones. I'm not scared at all of ghosts, or anything of that league, I AM PETRIFIED BY THE FACT THAT DEATH EXIST. I used to wake up from bed with wet pillows, caused by many uneasy dreams that involve the death of my many beloved ones. I had once dreamt about the death of my sister, my parents and sometimes my own death. I gotta admit, I'd lost just too many people throughout my life. Imagine hearing the news of your friend's death from an awful road accident, death by a serious fever, and how about losing your brother from a terrible road crash? Or worse still, losing your very own mother whose pregnant and is about close to deliver a baby? An uncle of yours? Friends? These were only the death that I'd suffered through. How about yours? What hurts me the most, is the mentality of our people that take no serious heed of death that happens around them. Be it the death of their own friend, even. And when death comes by to their very house and take away someone they truly love, they started acting all depressed of a sudden and be more depressed when people aren't showing the sympathy that they'd expect. Beat it, you weren't there when they needed you. All you ever did was saying you're sorry and gave away some nice words to soothe them. Karma's a whack, yes. The next time someone lost their loved ones, imagine yourself as them. That would probably put some humanity in you.

Live your life well, or die trying. Al-Fatihah.

Dearest You.

I used to love to write things up on Facebook before i started blogging. I was just having fun browsing through lots of the things that i had once wrote minutes ago and i found this. A poem i wrote for my most beloved person ever. I'm not gonna spill you up the identity, but IF you were to read between the lines then you might just figure who this poem was intended to. No matter who you are, or from where you are, I guarantee you that this poem can be easily deciphered :) .


we are the only possible twos in one.
yet i can't remember the falls i've taken for you.
i don't seem to remember the laughs we'd shared but surely,
i wouldn't forget your very name.
i saw you once in my dream.
nothing but words, written to possibly wrote the impossibility, of this enigma.
i knew i used to love every single thing about you,
but would you be mad if i'm saying that i hardly remember you now.?
i'm sorry if i turned out exactly as what you'd never wanted.
i'm sorry if i turned as sour as anyone can be.
i'm sorry if i turned the wrong turns.
i'm sorry if i'd turned out instead of staying in.

i couldn't help but to think of every possibilities, every words and acts,
that might have happened if we are still one.
we started one.
me, from within you.
n thus, one, shall we end as well.
us inside the very soil that gives us life.

i couldn't help to help anymore.
i rather be helped.
oh i really need you.
oh i really miss you.
i can't seem to find any rights in all my wrongs.
i can't see how and why.
i just know now and sky.
forgive me.
accept me.
love me, if it is still possible.
but please, hear me anyone.
i miss you.

Peace :)

me/I

i got this from the Facebook page of Malaysia's professional skateboarder, Kieron Brodie. The words got me so touched up that I can easily say that this note got me all pumped up to skate more and more. All we need is always a bit of inspirational motivations now and then, kan :) ?

Peace, Empathy, Pen off :)

itanimulli

I had always been interested in matters involving conspiracies theory and government frauds, but I'm not obsessed. I love to keep the strings loose because the things that we love most may actually break us down in the end, and there is no exception even in this case. So i was reading a great blog that shares the actual origin and histories of Malay, and I was utterly proud to read the facts written in the posts. We were not only warriors of keris and tombak but we were also the feared warriors of Rentaka and Terakol once, but our corrupted government just loves to keep our minds in the hands of monkeys rather than be in the land of the thinking donkeys.

The title for this post is actually the word ILLUMINATI spelled backward. Now what I want you guys to do is write the title of this post into your internet browser and add .us at the end of it. Press enter and tell me what website appears before your very eyes. Don't deny it, please. Coincidence never existed, it's just another word created to make fun of fate and plans. And oh, have you ever tried typing in ILLUMINATI.US? No? You should try it once and a while. 'Cause I'd tried once just now, and I was really shocked because there in my browser was a website with no navigation links or whatsoever but just a sentence in Latin wrote in white, on a black background. How did I know that it was Latin, because I used Google Translate and it was translated to read:


"or so strongly fortified that it is not be taken with money."
Illuminati.us

"nihil tam munitum quod non expugnari pecunia possit."(The original sentence.)

But I was curious and that sentence alone won't please me. I need more. So I reloaded that page in case there will be navigation links the moment the page is reloaded, but I was wrong. The moment I reloaded the page, everything is gone and the '404 error' occurred. I tried for many many times, but I still couldn't reach that page anymore. Here's a snapshot of the page :


Enlighten me, people. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

Takkan Melayu Hilang Di Dunia

Jom belajar sejarah Melayu. Bangsa lain semua ada salasilah mereka sendiri, tapi bila sampai dekat Melayu, bermacam-macam cerita keluar. Tiada langsung satu cerita yang tetap. Jadi, apa kata kita ambik sedikit masa dan baca artikel ni yang menceritakan secara historically tentang salasilah Melayu.

http://aku-macjay.blogspot.com/2011/04/piramid-melayu-tersembunyi-di-lautan.html

Selamat Membaca :)

Yes, that one.

It had been two long years. Yes, two. I'm not a soul to sell, but I'll pretty much sell myself out if I have to. There were enough times for everything but I had rather foolishly wasted it all just to think about it. I need to stop that, it won't change a thing even if it was a bit different back then. I won't last that long. No, not with the way I am. Just to clear it off my throat, yes I did and do think about it every single moment that I can. It's not like I'm obsessed, but it's more like I'm still in love with it. I just have to admit it, right? Well, nothing is really like what it seems nowadays. Peace.

Mi Corazon.

Bros, you guys taught me everything about things that every boys should know. You taught me how to be a man, lessons learnt without any proper instructions. I learn from them, how to love myself. Thank you.

Sisters, you guys were there at moments of which laughter alone couldn't cope with broken hearts. Laughter knows how to die too, but there are things that was and is meant to last. I learn from them, how to love my feelings. Thank you.

Dad, you taught me to be responsible, to stand up for what is right and neglect those of the wrongs. You lifted me up high in the air with your words but with your words too I often crashed to points of surrender. You taught me to be strong, regardless of the endless tribulations in life. You taught me to cherish every moment 'cause you are my living proof that people age, but not memories. The stories of your life inspires me, your name itself means legend to me. You are a walking legend. I learn from you, how to love my life. Thank you.

Mom, you were there when I needed to laugh. You were there the moment I needed someone to blame, you were there the moment I needed something to cling onto, you were there when I fall, you were there behind every of my success. You nourish me good with your love, and with you I don't think any other nutrients are important. Calcium can't never beat you. You're way greater than those biological things. You, are what anomaly stands for. You'd shown to me that what is lost is still there somewhere, in a different shape and form. You are that shape and form. You may not be the first, but you're the first living thing that had ever stole my heart. I smile when you smile, I will only laugh when you laugh. And when you cry, it hurts me the most yet I know that there's not much that I can do now but I can assure you that as I grow older, we'll be living a better life. Better than you could ever imagined. I'll be there when your skin is all wrinkled up, and I will still be there even when your memories had gone berserk. You filled up a hole that I'd left empty for so long. You're that missing piece. I've been wrong for so long and I know that you'll never be able to read this, but believe me; I LOVE YOU. I learn from you, how to love and how to live. Thank you.

Peace, Empathy, Love Off :')

Co-operate 'Please'.

Kawan kakak aku telah pulang ke rahmatullah Jumaat lepas. Punca kematian ialah langgar lari.

"Siapa ada info pasal Myvi putih, passo bodykit, WQH 545, please inform me. Dia langgar lari kawan saya, Kim Sadihan Jumaat lepas. Thank u."

"Semua details dah dapat. Including the name. Cuma sekarang tgh cari budak tu. Nama dia Ali Zainal Abidin bin Alimudin. Siapa kenal, tell him, we're not out to hurt him. The least he could do is say sorry."

Ada saksi kejadian, dan ini adalah posts kakak aku berkenaan maklumat yang ada. Tolong. Dan baru semalam, seorang kawan aku telah meninggal dunia kerana kemalangan, dilanggar bas. Tiada kecederaan luar, punca kematian ialah kecederaan dalaman. Tapi at least, pemandu bas tu tak lari lepas langgar. PENGECUT je yang berani pukul curi. And in this case, hit and run. Benda macam ni jugaklah antara sebab utama kenapa aku takde lesen. Risau, dan takut *seriously* . Sebaik mana pun kita kat jalan raya, orang lain belum tentu lagi baik. Manusia, bila orang yang jauh kehilangan seseorang "Oh, just another death. Normal la tu." itu lah yang difikirkan. Tapi bila terjadi kat batang hidung sendiri, pada masa tu lah, orang lain pulak yang akan kata "Oh, just another death. Normal la tu." , sakit tak? Kita prone to show sympathy only when that death is on the news or the papers. The everyday deaths? "Well they're everyday right? Why bother." That's how the world spins. Want some, get some. Me, I'd lost my everything twice in life. It hurts now and then, but that explains why I have nothing. You may had lose everything, but I had lost them TWICE. Yeahh, you will definitely say that I'm exaggerating but see, everything means different things to different people. My everything had already been long gone, now I'm just holding on to anything that I can. I'm not sad, nor am I complaining, I just want to share. Berbalik kepada topik, sesiapa kenal atau terjumpa kereta atau orang yang diceritakan di atas, tolong pukul dia sampai lunyai. Heh, taklah. Sila maklumkan kat aku supaya keluarga mangsa dapat dengar apa yang mereka nak. JANGAN pukul atau berbuat kasar kat orang tu, please.

4-Wheeled Drive (Pt. 2)

4 nights in a row. Non-stop skateboarding. My thighs are killing me. Been bathing with sweats. More and more cuts. Lack of sleep.

So as always, we went skateboarding again last night and stopped at dawn. I reached home at around 0720, but I forgot to bring the keys, plus no one is in the house 'cause they all had left for work. I was left to stand there in front of my own house looking dumbstruck and clueless. My tired physique made it much harder for my head to think straighter and I really felt like punching someone out back then. With nowhere to rest my head off, I went to a friend's house and decided to lay my scratched body there. I finally slept at 0900+ something. Later at 1200 I woke up to find out that my friend was getting prepared to send his sister to school, so I had to once again find another sweet spot to sleep. This time, I was determined that I will sleep in my own house, my room, my own bed, no matter what. Even if I have to slam the door down! Upon reaching the house, I noticed that my mom's arrived home from work and hence, the nightmare ended and later led to a great recovery sleep that took out half of my day. With this done said, it will be a great idea to currently slow down these skateboarding activity for these wounds and cuts to heal and make room for the future ones (and also to avoid this tiring incident ever again -.- ) . Peace, Empathy, Skate-off :)

4-Wheeled Drive

I've been practicing more now than ever on skateboarding. It was once a favorite hobby of mine, but then I started to feel bored because of the slow progress that I made. Up until recently, I had grown more passionate about skateboarding. I love everything about it now, and I will try to never ever be pissed off of the speed of my progress. I know that I'm a bit slow in learning something new, but that won't be of any barrier between me and this new old hobby of mine :) .

Despite all of this that I've said, I still couldn't find enough confidence to play in a skatepark. 'Cause the skatepark that I usually go to is a place crammed full with dudes that do stuffs that I can't never do in months, or maybe years. And so I decided to go street skateboarding with some of my close friends at the town. We played and played from dark to dawn. Two continuous nights had definitely took the toll off me. I'm aching all over, and my body now seems to be enjoying every of its new scratches and cuts. These two tiring nights had made me realized why I wasn't making any much of a progress before, it is simply because I had never learnt to fall. Yes, because when I first started playing I started safe. There were many tiny errors, but never an epic fall. Now, I can simply say that I'm happy if I were to fall ever again, because only then can I say that I'm learning. The same as with life, we should really be happy to fall so that we can learn to appreciate the ups much better. Happy skating everyone :) . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

Herbology 101

I've been falling back to lots of my old habits lately, and one of it includes heavy smoking. I had once managed to quit smoking for like 3 months before starting this 'hobby' all over again. When I first started smoking, it was for the fun of it and for the pleasure-ness i get from that heavy riot-like smoke running down the air stream. I wouldn't dare to admit the fact that I am a heavy smoker 'cause there are lots of other people around me that smoke a hell lot more than me back in my early-years-of-smoking, and so I came up with the idea to categorize myself as a 'middleweight smoker', *if this term ever exist* . I used to smoke around 10 cigarettes the most at any given day, but ever since months ago, I noticed that I smoked AT LEAST 10 to 12 cigarettes per day.

And it wasn't long before the effects take control of the wheel, as I had been having continuous headache lately. 'Cause of this headache, I couldn't stand to see any lights or hear any loud or screeching noises as it will only amplify these throbbing pain that I go through. And my throat just can't take any of this anymore. I wake up every single day with a 'scratched-out' feeling within this walls of esophagus, and this will sound pretty weak but I can't sing at notes that I can normally do. In a simpler form; I can't sing anymore. Plus, nicotine is a really bad ass menace. I really want to stop smoking but I failed to do so every time I smell or see the mesmerizing smokes of a cigarette. It's lame but it's true, you may have stumbled upon these words so very frequently but believe me, it is HARD to quit smoking. I just hope that these headaches will soon go away without having to have me as its companion.
Peace, Empathy, Smoke-off.

Living On Herbs

These lies had paid off,
I need another night to sing.
But how long will you stay?

'Cause all of the reasons you'd taken for granted,
Had been granted.
Now as you can see,

I'm happy, but not now,
I'd traded it for the rest of my life.
I lose it all by gluing this heart.

Yes, you see me,
But can you heal me?
I need, another dose of life.
'Cause all of the treasons you'd taken credit,
Falls back to your hip,
I wish you were asleep.

Ohh I'd wished you well.

Frozen Creek

I enjoy writing songs because it gave me the dreams of being able to communicate with people by means of verbal and non-verbal noises clinging to each other. But I dare not say that I do well in this interest of mine as I couldn't make words come alive no matter how hard I try, and I still couldn't find that one special ingredient that would possibly make this broth of mine edible.

There's this one song by Circa Survive entitled 'Frozen Creek' that made me felt totally lost between every lines of words that Anthony sang, and both Ekstrom and Frangicetto made it felt like this song is actually crying. I'm sure that if I ever indulge to letting numbness takes over my brain again, this song will surely be the song that will drives me suicidal. It's not like I'm inclined to kill myself but all I'm trying to stress here is Circa Survive had successfully touched the back of my brain without having to smash my skull. I could listen to this song at any given time and will then start feeling empty the moment the first line of words come in. I've been a follower of Circa Survive ever since their very first album and I had barely managed to get myself out of their every hypnotic songs since then, yet this song made me felt like getting out isn't perhaps the best thing to do. I love my life and this song somehow made me realized that now. I do know that not everyone will share the same view as mine regarding this song, but for once, if you put yourself in the writer's position and you were to sing that song given all of the things the writer had went through then you'll know exactly what I mean. And it is stated in the band's official blog, during the process of making the album 'Blue Sky Noise' , Anthony had to be checked in to a mental institution due to what he states as a situation of "mentally bankrupt and ruined with self-doubt."



"I feel like it says a million things. It’s all in the album, and it’s all in the other albums. It’s a bunch of unsaid stuff that I haven’t recorded yet. Every album is a chapter and a step toward the truth. And you’re never going to get there, you just have to keep going and going. I want this record to be in the world. It only makes sense out there. I’m like a pregnant mother about to explode. I just want it out there. It’s weighing me down and I love it so much and I just want it to be alive so I can put it to my teat."
Anthony Green - on describing the band's third full-length album, 'Blue Sky Noise'

Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

bear vs shark

MALE : someone tells him that he looks familiar, and a 1 hour conversation might just start there.
FEMALE : someone tells her that she looks familiar, she might just rolled her eyes and left with a 'sheesshh'

MALE : talk shits about someone straight to that someone's face but can still share a table and have a laugh the very next day with that someone.
FEMALE : talk shits about someone way behind that someone's back and that someone will forever be in exile.

MALE : got punched in the face but will possibly get back in peace with that someone someday.
FEMALE : got punched in the face? THIS IS WAR, BIATCHHH!

MALE : a problem should only be considered as a problem if it involves someone else.
FEMALE : A PROBLEM is everything!

MALE : they gather and have fun doing silly stuffs.
FEMALE : they gather and have fun talking about planning on a road trip, but then ended up talking shits about the guys that they barely even knew. REALITY.


Done said. Peace.

newer me.

it has been so long since i'd last had my hair cut short, so i'd decided to cut my hair short. done said :)

Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

yes, you.

you're a real darling,
and a real pain the very next second.
you're the only one who would listen to my every nonsense and craps,
yet you're also the one who would condemn me to my very core.
you gave it all, though i'd never even gave anything in return yet.

thanks mom :')

what's with you?

i speak foully, but that doesn't count you in as a saint.
i act wrongly, but wouldn't you do the same?

i hate seeing faces, i hate being the losing party,
i hate to be traced, and i hate to be an anomaly.
i fucking hate almost anything nowadays. what the fuck is wrong with everyone?

Peace, Empathy, FUCK OFF!

ASABIYAH

I had once put a great interest in political stuffs, but after reading a hadith a while ago that condemns the nature of being overly attached to an organisation, I decided that enough is enough. I know really well who I am and how I really am, and shamefully yes I am a sinner. I don't want to be doing all sins just to get even with the world. We don't really need the world at all. We are either what we are or what we are trying to be, and yes I don't want to be anymore like you. I admit that I had once been fanatic over this bullshit and am willing to bring out the tiniest dirt to withstand any defying ideas, but I had seen friends of mine doing that same exact thing lately and it made me realized of how foolish I once was. He was all fired up when it comes to politics, he's the only one who's right, the party above him is right, but when it comes to corruption and all the mud behind that organisation, he stands behind the lines of "Clean politic is bullshit." So it made me realized that that way of thinking presumes the idea that whoever lies and cheats the best will prevail as long it feeds everyone enough food. That is wrong, because we are literally what we eat, and this continues down the bloodline. I don't want to be living in a place where heavy tanks are as common as a cab, neither do all of us. Please change, everyone. Exaggerating is always an obnoxious thing to do, but I'm not. And deep down I know that everyone will feel this the same as I do.

"Every Muslim is a brother to a Muslim, neither wronging him nor allowing him to be wronged. And if anyone helps his brother in need, Allah will help him in his own need; and if anyone removes a calamity from [another] Muslim, Allah will remove from him some of the calamities of the Day of Resurrection; and if anyone shields [another] Muslim from disgrace, Allah will shield him from the disgrace on the Day of Resurrection." [Al-Bukhari and Muslim, on the authority of `Abd Allah ibn `Umar]


Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

unholy confessions.

1. I know that I can easily be a pain in the ass by changing my mind so often.
2. I am sometimes TOO spoiled by my father in ways that are professionally weird.
3. I am outdated.
4. I have eyes that are small, and they are not of the same size. Look carefully then you'll see.
5. I see marijuana as herbs, not drugs.
6. I know nothing about swimming.
7. I have delicate bones, THIS frustrates me the most.
8. I have a weird obsession towards lyrical stylists that indulge in implicit content.
9. I suck at playing guitar, and I barely know how to play drums.
10. I see korean celebrities as a very interesting subject in a conversation. HAHA

dyed in the wool

i was once a hard headed boy who would love to spend every possible free times with blasting out amps at studios and sing out new cool songs. as i grew older, i realized that i am no longer playful as i usually am. i turned from spending a quarter of a day to spending 3 quarter of a day at home. i turned from a smoking machine to a tiny teapot letting off steam. i changed from thinking about me 24/7 to thinking about me only when needed. i changed from being a foul mouthed brat to a quiet little doormat.
i used to love to headbang real hard to songs just for the sake of it, but now i enjoy nodding my head to every beautiful lines that i'd read. there was a time of which i'd dreamt of playing on stage. and though i was given chances for that on even a tiny scale, i was never satisfied by any of it. i'm a greedy guy who wants people to 'eat' lines that i wrote. yeahh life's getting slower every possible moment but i couldn't find anything to grab hold to, still. things have changed, you know? i'm grateful for every moment of it. i'm not depressed, i'm not sad, i'm not even complaining. it's just that i've been thinking through a whole lot of things and i believe that i need to have a point of which i can refer to later in life and say "yeahh this explains those times real well. i remember it frame by frame now."

this is my point. this is the point that i will refer to, any days from now. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

third thought.

i have a difficulty in saying yes for more than 3 seconds, because after that i would probably say no instead. remember that crappy post about me being askdhalja padaolhne about being home? yeahh screw that :D . i went fishing last night with a number of friends, one who had recently worked at UNISEL, one who had taught me a lot about paintball back when i was doing part time with him, one who had been my guitar instructor when i was still green and wet, one who had once serong sekolah with me, and the last one; is the one who had joined the army last year. It had been quite a 'milennia' since i last hangout with them, and last night we went to do the thing we love most; fishing.

kami bertolak dalam pukul 2245, rasenye. sebelum bertolak, semua huha huha dekat kedai makan. a grand reunion eyh? bile nampak muke si mamat yang masuk askar tu, perghhh tibe tibe rase nak emosional jap :D . bertahun dah kot tak jumpe dier. walaupun dier dah masuk askar, tapi perangai dier still macam budak sekolah lagi. terbaikkk. kitorang pegi memancing dekat Taman Metropolitan Kepong, sampai dalam pukul 2315 camtu. *but that place had never been my favourite, susah dapat ikan -.- * . peralatan tak cukup, banyak betul yang tak cukup. tapi layankan aje :) .

and so we fish. i was busy undoing the tied up net, while someone was busy starting up the fire and it went on for decades -.- . i casted twice and all of a sudden i felt bored and so i stopped.

-.- zzZZZ . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

wish you were here

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl.
Year after year, running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same old fears.

I wish you were here.
I wish you were here.



*a cover of Pink Floyd's 'Wish You Were Here'.*

no it isn't.

"Please understand. This isn’t just goodbye, this is I can’t stand you, this is where the road crashed into the ocean. It rises all around me and now we're barely breathing, a thousand faces we'll choose to ignore.

Curse my enemies forever, let’s slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful. This desperation leaves me overjoyed with fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy.

I listen to you cry I cry for less attention, but both my hands are tied and I’m pushed into the deep end.
I listen to you talk but talk is cheap and my mouth is filled with blood from trying not to speak.
So search for an excuse and someone to believe you in foreign dressing rooms. I’m empty with the need to curse my enemies forever, let’s slit our wrists and burn down something beautiful. This desperation leaves me overjoyed with fading lights that lead us past the lives that we destroy. Please understand.

I lay rotting where I fall. I'm dead from bad intentions, suffocated and enbalmed. And now all our dreams are cashed in you swore you wouldn't lose, then lost your brain. You make a sound that feels like pain.

So please understand. This isn’t just goodbye, this is I can’t stand you."


Markus Allan Hoppus

home

am currently in Gombak, but I really haven't went home yet. I've been sleeping at my friend's house ever since the arrival. things aren't the same anymore, you see. i don't feel as content as I usually do whenever I'm here. last year was a blast, if you'd asked me. and so will this year, I presume. but something's not quite right and i'm not sure what the hell is it, but it's not right. i've been thinking of big things lately, mostly about my parents and how were they doing while i'm gone. in pretty much shorter words, i'm homesick and it's been bugging me more often. i'm not 'homesick' in the sense that i want to go home, i'm 'homesick' in a sense that i miss to have a place to be called HOME.
life's been spinning slow but it's only because i chose it to be that way. yet, this is not the speed i'd wished for. if only time and space is 'turnable' then that would be a necessity in my home. friends are still the same, still awesome. and so is my family! but i dunno, there's something about something that made this all seems. . .i dunno. different? i guess, maybe because we're getting older day by day and i just couldn't find a way to digest that fact as it is. i refuse to grow up. done said.

heh, whatever fuck it is that i'm babbling about here, it's surely is a mental one. i need to stop -.- . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

Change, or stay old trying.

1 - I'd decided that it is no longer appropriate for me to be taking education lightly.

2 - I wanna start with guitar all over again.

3 - I would love to try and touch different topics in future songwriting process.

4 - Most of those I knew had changed, and I refuse to do the same.

5 - I'd found my once lost favorite t-shirt. I should take extra care of my belongings.

6 - The past is only the future with the lights on, so I should be prepared eyh?

7 - Being with the people I trusted most is a blessing. Treasure it.

8 - Had watched '1 Litre of Tears' recently and yeah I was touched by that series, who wouldn't huh? No more of my time should be wasted with super useless things.

9 - I WILL TRY MY BEST TO FORGET YOU AND YOUR TRANCE LIKE EFFECT ON ME. YOU'RE NO LONGER WELCOME IN MY LIFE, MJ. *but i suppose exceptions are possible right?*

10 - People come and people go, but I'll be here to write more and more. *it rhymes!*



Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

Kicking Your Crosses Down

In case it gets away from us don't pull it close. The damage revealed the cost and it wasn't worth it. But they'll never know to keep in mind the line that separates idols. If the world is a dream, and nothing is worth it unless you have a god.

But we won't be saved, we'll live as slaves to love what God takes away. Let's refill all your holes with mud. "Purchase your tickets; I'm kicking your crosses down" .

In case it gets away from us don't pull it close. The damage revealed the cost and it wasn't worth it. We're all going to hell.

But we won't be saved, we'll live as slaves to love what God takes away. Let's refill all your holes with mud. "Purchase your tickets; I'm kicking your crosses down"

And all the voices sound just like you. I'll be there, I'll be there.
Breathe in, breathe in. It's been so long, I've felt so wrong again.

I fixed myself up nice but you never came. The words rolled off our backs and sound the same. I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting, I hope that it's worth it but I'll never know.



Circa Survive - Kicking Your Crosses Down
The #4 track off the Circa's second album "On Letting Go" . The lyric's a bit off the hook but overall it's a good song. Anthony Green really is an inspiring songwriter and I can't help but to think all sorts of things whenever I listened to his products. There's a lot of people who'd still blabbering about his success with Saosin but I guess people really change whether we like it or not. He'd changed from an aggressive writer to a more subtle sophisticated writer.

what about it?

people change in parallel with time. some for the best, and some for the worst. but still, who am i to judge. it's quite a shame to see of how years can lose to months. well, life is a mirror and everyone will look at it with different perception aite?
people change and i refuse to follow the trend. i just love being the imperfectly-perfect me. in that way, i won't have to worry on losing some of the great people in my life. it's them who should be blamed. oh, why did anyone bother to change. i'm supposed their memories are all made of plastic then eyh?

whatever. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

Should have told you but I'd never really cared :')

Well you always got the worst of me.

here's there, whereas everywhere is right about here.

slower.
less grumpier.
truthfully, old.
nonetheless, bolder.
slower.
slower.
slower.


Peace, Empathy, Pen Off

Heh, I remember this :P

I was strolling through my Myspace account and I stumbled upon this, a poem that I wrote some times in last year. I'd completely forgotten about this but now that I'd found it, I was pretty dazed by it. *haha* enjoy :)



a life once told,
as an unfolding labyrinth.
i held up names of everyone in the grip of my hearts,
i seen it all torn as the golden sun rays burn it whole.
i had no regrets on missing chapters,
but i do regret of never been trying to write an epilogue of my own.
i refuse to cry when i'm dyed by the rain.
i refuse to smile when u'r dying by the pain.
i only wanna see the world running thru my veins.
running with my remorse.
and my dreams will then tell me,
i'm not yet 'dead'.
as dead has always been my only loyal companion.
and i'm saying this for the awesome departures of many great names in my life.
thank you guys,
thank you girls,
thank you friends.



That's all. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

But I'd never really cared.

I was enjoying my time watching Seniman Bujang Lapok with my youngest sister who's just 7, when suddenly my mom let out this, "Adik ni kecik kecik tengok cerita P. Ramlee, macam orang tua dah*giggle*" . It made me realized the fact that even though every single one of us in this family are hugely different from one another, we still share a common interest; P. Ramlee (Teuku Zakaria Teuku Nyak Puteh.


And so off I went looking for some blogs and articles on him and eventually stopped at this one article which really made me felt like, uh, dunno, ehm, mad i guess? No, stoked perhaps? Or yeah, STFU maybe? Yeahh, i'll pick the latter one. This one article had this "Malay this, Malay that" , "Chinese this, Chinese that" issues lingering through its every pixels possible. *sigh* . Recently, I'd kinda made, like an oath to myself that I will never ever indulge myself with these POLITICAL BULLSHIT ever again, but hey who's to blame? I'll play. Try this, and read the comments below http://arifomar.blogspot.com/2010/04/pesanan-allahyarham-tan-sri-p-ramlee.html. I'm never a racist, let alone a cultist, so. . .I dunno, there's something about each and every single one of us that makes me believe in unity. I don't give a fuck about democracy or autocracy or be it any possible names, I only care about unity. Our country is a 'democracy-based' country and let's see how far we'd been now. Politics? "May It Cease" because yeahh, "Us Malaysians're Now Obliterated". The main reason for all of this mad carousel is "Politicians Are Sickening" everyone with their empty scripts and act. We don't need a party, we need a leader.
Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

Will they open their eyes and realize we are one ;') ?

Dudes from Broken Riffs playing a cover of Alter Bridge - Open Your Eyes.




Broken Riffs, on their first television debut :) .

Live or Die Trying ;)

a quick recap on this month's big events in life.

1: For my birthday, I felt super psyched because someone do care that my birthday fell on the same date with John Lennon's (except that i was born later in terms of year) . Yet, this wish changed it all "Amir....as ur Dad wanna say I love you much and pray for your bright future on your birthday..may Allah bless you..and I dont mind having a Rock Star as a son....". Thank you Sir Raja Chulan, you made this boy's birthday a meaningful one.

2: I'd eventually remembered almost all of my own written songs. It's hard when I can't seem to find my notepad which I'd used to wrote most of my songs with. Go Mr. Brain, you can do this!

3: Had a jamming session of which made me realized that this has gone too far un-eyed and we need to be super serious about making this thing real. The session was pretty much 'crooked' due to the long period of hiatus.

4: I'd finally used the McD gift certificate that I got for Aidilfitri. Had a late 'picnic' with a friend of mine in front of a lake eating those garbs. Had a serious talk about life and global issues.

5: Narrowly escaped an almost fatal accident which involved my friend's car. Fatal, because if the incident was slightly tweaked, my life might have had ended there. That incident got me thinking deep about life and all of my wrongdoings. I wanna change. I don't wanna die a sinner.

6: Felt that I'd spent too much time on stupid things and thought that I really need to put an end to this 'idiocracy' and start living. For that huge first step, I'd decided to have my hair cut short. A fresh start for a new beginning.


We talked about changing, but we didn't even changed the topic ;')

Gecko :)

True Story :)



A friend of a friend of a friend of mine owns a pretty big gecko weighing almost 600g, and one of my other friend has this friend who's been searching for geckos for a pretty bountiful amount of cash. In my head, I'm thinking hundreds of ringgit would do the price but oh how foolishly I was to assume such small number. After a long and rather complicated explanation from a friend of mine, I'd finally understood the reasoning behind the high price. Wait, I haven't told you the price yet huh? It is said that the normal price for a 350g+ gecko would go between RM100k and RM150k, loose and easy. Now what if the gecko weighs approximately 600g? DO THE MATH PEOPLE!

I have nothing to do with the gecko nor with the owner, but just now I'd went to see the buyer's middle man (which is a friend of my friend) together with the guys and I was taken aback from the whole conversation. Orang tengah tu ialah lelaki Sabah yang juga student UNISEL. He asked a lot of questions regarding the gecko and he'd stressed plentiful times during the conversation to never let this transaction be a small matter in eyes. Sebab dia cakap buyer tu bukan calang calang orang dan selalunya transaksi macamni mesti ada senjata api terlibat sebab duit yang nak letak tu bukan sikit, RATUSAN RIBU KOT! Sepanjang perbualan, saya buat cool, padahal dalam hati trbayang kes Dato' Sosilawati. Samalah jugak macam kawan kawan yang lain. Kalau beli barang ratusan ringgit tu tak pernah la nak gugup ke apa tapi ini lain. I want out!


Tapi, setelah difikirkan balik, saya rasa gecko merupakan haiwan yang tersangat comel! Saya rasa macam nak beli dan bela seekor tapi tau tak harga anak gecko yang paling kecik ialah RM250. Damn -.-

Dammit

Where's my fucking T shirt? Dang, I need that baby right now!

Why are you ditching me? All those times shared made me felt so sure about having you until we just won't fit each other anymore, but I was truly wrong! Damn you T shirt. I should have picked that red one -.-

Changing :)

You fall apart each time you start to say goodbye but there is nobody watching. You flashed your grip, you start to slip but don't know why, and this is just the beginning. You had the hopes to make it last, now it's moving fast and now you're realizing that in the past those dreams you had made people feel like you were just reciting.

Bathing in the afterglow of chance and luck and pride, where we end up we could never know. All I know is we seem to be changing, it's better to turn and walk away. Fading, all these lights just turn to grey, but the strange thing is that I don't feel a thing.

This is just an act, stop holding back. The things you lost cannot replace what's missing. And from the start you'd played the part and now your heart becomes a great deception.


Go figure. Peace, Empathy, Pen off :)

The Alarming Sound Of A Still Small Voice

I knew I never deserved you
I just felt so high inside
I move along, I shuffled in place then backhand
and you're pulling me in
Will I ever find anyone?
You make me feel like I've been lost somewhere
Now it's morning so it's over now it's over

Am I right where I need to be or is this another distraction?
Is this how I'm supposed to feel?
I've been trying to wake you
Is there a change you need to see or is this another disaster?
Tell me how I'm supposed to feel
I've been trying to wake you

No this is never what I wanted
Never what I thought I signed up for
and I keep moving away to the edge
then I'll decide whether jump or stay asleep
Sometimes the leap of faith is all
Faith is all we have. Why won't you tell me?

Am I right where I need to be or is this another distraction?
Is this how I'm supposed to feel?
I've been trying to wake you
Is there a change you need to see or is this another disaster?
Tell me how I'm supposed to feel
I've been trying to wake you up.
Why won't you wake up?

Wake up. Nobody's sleeping anymore
And I've had enough of the ground
Made my escape fell in love with the sound
And I'll pound my fists till you wake up
So why aren't you waking up?

When the sun is coming out
When the sun is coming out
And I can't hide here anymore
no, no, on no. When the sun is coming out

Am I right where I need to be or is this another distraction?
Is this how I'm supposed to feel?
I've been trying to wake you
Is there a change you need to see or is this another disaster?
Tell me how I'm supposed to feel
I've been trying to wake you up.
Why won't you wake up?
Why won't you wake up?
Why won't you wake me up?



The #6 track off of Saosin's 2nd full-length album entitled 'In Search Of Solid Ground'. The very first time I listened to this album, i was pretty much stoked and errmm pretty much was annoyed by the drastic change they had made to their music. The album was pretty like pop-ish and sounds like the album was targeting for the mainstream market. But I was wrong for when the 2nd time I'd listened to the album, I noticed something vastly different. It wasn't obvious nor obnoxious, but I noticed it somehow that their music is now singing along with the vocal. Before, the guitar riffs and leads were merely just skills and techniques to highlight the idea of expressing their genre but now, ohh you can even feel high by just listening to the music. This song in particular is a grave sad song that I 'enjoyed' so much that dahi saya berkerut sebab fokus sangat kat lagu ni. I can feel the emotions and the storyline vividly through Cove's voice together along with the band's music. It was orgasmic! This song is super sad that when Saosin played this during their show in KL, I can't help but to stop moshing and just take a time out and gaze and stare to everything there at the venue. The view? Priceless. I'd seen how truthfully the earth always seems static in satellite pictures yet in our daily life, even a picture might worth a thousand story :) . Try and have a listen to this song eyh mate? Peace, Empathy, Pen Off ;')

A Huge Thank You :)

Thousand of millions of thank you's for all that came to my house just now. It was fun seeing all those old friends and new friends mingling with each other, and it was great seeing friends of mine berborak-borak dengan kawan-kawan kakak saya yang kebetulan satu universiti dengan mereka. The world was made huge, so humans can never run out of space to keep their friends :) . My cousin yang semangat datang dari jauh, member-member abang saya yang datang dari jauh, member-member saya yang juga datang dari jauh, semuanya menambahkan lagi seri suasana Hari Raya ke-7 ini. But the biggest joy would be seeing my friends chatting with my mom who was once seorang ustazah untuk hampir kesemua kawan-kawan saya. Semua bersembang tentang macam mana ragam mereka dulu dan macam mana mereka telah membesar. And ohh how we had grown! Sorry sebab saya tak sempat nak berbual dengan semua orang sebab tadi rasanya kawan-kawan saya yang paling ramai hadir jadi saya sibuk nak kena ulang alik melayan semua orang. Haiiihhh we had really grown eh? Semua ada jaminan kerjaya sendiri, tapi saya je yang ambik haluan sebagai seorang guru ek? Haha we would never what'll hit us. I had fun. I had fun. I had fun. Oh i had fun. Sorry kalau ada yang terasa sebab saya tak invite personally melalui sms or phone call, but believe me semua yang datang pun daripada ajakan saya melalui Facebook. Tapi, saya rasa bersalah juga jadi saya mohon jutaan maaf di atas kesilapan saya itu :') . Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri semua, and please keep on being beautiful eyh? Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

Them who knows best :)

Quote 1
Location : Nani's House
Conversation Between : My Father & Auntie Nolly

It was the 2nd of Raya and my father was with Auntie Nolly chatting about their experiences throughout life. Both shared their thought equally while I sat there sharing their laughs and anecdotes. It was a pretty comfortable dialogue until they suddenly had a talk about the "orang cina makan duit lebih, orang melayu pemalas" issue (Auntie Nolly is a Chinese, and my father is, well a Malay of course). The issue started with a question from Auntie Nolly "Eyh itu Rosmah aaa muka banyak muda. Apa dia buat?", Rosmah yang dikatakan oleh Auntie Nolly ialah isteri kepada PM kita sekarang. Lepas je nama PM kita terpacul dari mulut Auntie Nolly, the whole conversation shifted to a high edge leather studded bucket racing seat. But it wasn't grumpy at all, it was a clean laughable talk. The talk jadi lebih sedap apabila handphone ayah saya berbunyi and he refused to answer it. Ayat dia selepas itu yang menarik perhatian saya ialah *i couldn't remember it whole but I do remember the main points of it*:

"Kesian jugak si Najib tu sebab dia kena settlekan semua masalah yang tinggal. Abdullah dulu tu pandai, lepas dia naik jadi menteri, dia punya friends, relatives dan kroni semua makan besar tapi rakyat tak jaga. Itu yang sekarang Najib kena cover balik negara ni. Tapi kalau Anwar Ibrahim yang jadi PM sekarang, Malaysia takyah risau. Orang dok balun Anwar sebab dia samaratakan semua kaum, tapi orang tak sedar yang bangunkan negara ni pon orang cina sekarang ni. Anwar dia nampak yang kalau orang cina disatukan dengan orang melayu, Malaysia naik. I'm not saying it sebab Anwar tu senior saya dulu, tapi sebab dari apa yang dia pernah buat untuk negara he's worth the try. Dia punya personal issue apa semua tu, kita letak tepi dulu, we let him do his job and we do ours. It's a win-win situation. Melayu sekarang ni malas, tahu nak istimewa then kalau cina potong, dia marah. Tak elok la camtu. Win-win, semua merasa. Apa salahnya?"
Though we are aged years apart, but I do know one thing: "Ke mana tumpahnya kuah kalau tidak ke nasi?" . You made me realized persamaan kita yang paling ketara iaitu we Malays really need to step up the game :) .
Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

Selamat Hari Raya everyone :)

"that very morning was the same as every other that we had. we siblings woke up at 9am or so to find out that our tummy was soo in desperate need for food and so off i went to the kitchen looking for something to cure that itch in this tiny esophagus of mine. yet, before even arriving (eh jauhnye dapur?), i noticed that my eldest sister was crying and sobbing so hard with my neighbors beside her. i suddenly knew that that day will turn up unusual than the usual days before. that day will be a scar etched firmly across my chest, that day will be on a crest (it rhymes people!). i asked my sister why but she couldn't bother answering with her sobs hanging all the way through to her lungs and so my neighbor then handed me that day's newspaper. she told me to look at a page and read it well with my other sisters. i read it and oh how i was taken aback by that article. i was barely even breathing and my head was imagining things like it never ever had before. there was written that a car with passengers of 4 was involved in a fatal accident with a lorry. no survivors were reported from the side of the car, but 'luckily' those who were in the lorry survived. i thought that my mom was one of the victim for she had the same car like written in the article but i was wrong because for a moment later my mom was safely home. she told us all of the details and told us to quickly pack our bags and wait at the car. before i went on packing, i glanced back at my eldest sister, her eyes were all red and watery, her cheeks wet from her pouring tears and her voice was not at all there. i knew how she felt back then 'cause i too had had an experience equal of this of her, i too had lost someone before. at that moment, my eyes dripped the firsts drop of tears for the day. i'll cry with you sister. i promise ;') ."

"once every often during the trip my head reminisced all those moments i shared with 'him' whom i had recently lost. i remembered listening to Nirvana though the young age of mine which was barely 10, i remembered wrestling 'him' every time 'he' got home after 'his' tiring weeks of part time job, i remembered playing video games with 'him' until the very final hour of a day and i certainly do remember vividly 'his' smiles and 'his' voice. 'he' was the kind of a rebel who would say "Let's play guitar and be a rockstar one day" or "I'm tired of chores *whilst smiling :)*", i would say that. 'he' was the best friend ever and we were so close though we were separated by an 8 years of age gap. i remembered listening to my mom talking to 'him' "Hang jangan kerja jauh sangat amat, nanti jadi apa apa susah. Bukan nya takmau bagi." and 'he' replied with a sweet smile on 'his' face "Saje nak cari pengalaman ngan duit. Nanti orang selalu balik ummu. Takde ape nye ni." yes i remember that moment."

"the day we lost 'him' fell on Syawal 23rd of 1421 Hijri which was the 18th of January 2001. after the day 'he' went, i remembered that my mom once said that the boss from 'his' part time job called and told her that the boss had offered the staffs somewhat of like a reward before Raya Aidilfitri to those who managed to do their works greatly and 'he' replied to 'his' boss that 'he' would do things great from now on because Aidilfitri is just around the corner and 'he' just can't wait to see the face on my mom when she sees it. after the evaluation, 'he' was the selected one for that reward but yeah some promises were made before it reaches the heart and 'he' was sad/mad that 'he' didn't get 'he' had worked for and the boss told my mom the he was terrified if the ghost of 'him' will haunt him for his wrongdoing but my mom said that those who left would never come back. "those who left would never come back" is a strong word. you wouldn't know how i felt upon losing you, you wouldn't know how it hurts to see your face in Aidilfitri motionless and pale, you wouldn't even know me being there to see you, you wouldn't even know how much i had missed you before that day and most of all you wouldn't even know how much i still miss you until this very day of Aidilfitri the 1st of 1431 Hijri. you wouldn't know how much we missed you. you would never know."


"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back to the time before u were buried because i didn't kissed you goodbye. i didn't even touched you. oh how i was stupid for letting that opportunity blows twice in my life."

"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back and take you back to this day where you can see that our family is now doing great. we now have PS2, so you wouldn't have to play games on that old bulky PSone we once had."

"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back and tell you to never do the part time. i would be willing to say and do anything just to stop you from leaving the house."

"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back and tell you of my future. we can laugh about the girls i met and talk about the friends we have. we can be in a band bro! we'll play Nirvana's stuffs all day long!"

"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back and take you to yesterday. yesterday, Syawal the 1st where we had been to your grave and gave respect. and oh you'd missed many huge events in our family. abang didi is married to kak mekna, abang kamarul is married too! and plus, you have a new sister named Raja Fitriyatul Khairiyah. she's a real menace. you should see her, she's beautiful. heh i sounded awfully bad here. i need to stop."

"if i ever have the chance to turn back time, i would definitely go back to our last Aidilfitri together and apologize for all of the bad things i had done. i would say "Selamat hari raya Aidilfitri abang mat. maafkan lah semua salah silap aku sepanjang kita pernah kenal." to you. i will if i can."


"it's kind of ironic of how mom used to scold you so bad because of the incident where you'd made me fell real hard when i was months old *and she did even told you to never ever touch me again!* and how you now seems to be my favourite friend ever. well i'm displeasing everyone now, so it's time to go. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off ;') ."





i copied this article from somewhere but i just couldn't remember the precise whereabout. jadi tolonglah hargai semua ahli keluarga anda. mereka tak boleh dijual beli. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada semua, mohon maaf zahir dan batin dari saya Raja Muhammad Amiruddin bin Raja Chulan.
*and oh saya dah ingat dah tempat asal artikel ni. it was originally in my head for the remembrance of my late brother Raja Ahmad Ashfihani bin Raja Chulan ;'(*

*rest in peace my beloved brother ;') . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off. *

Ipoh

Ipoh mali :) . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

Family :)

my everything :)

I quit. . .

. . .because the game ain't any slower.

Communication

For 27 years I’ve been trying to believe and confide in
Different people I’ve found.
Some of them got closer than others
And some wouldn’t even bother and then you came around
I didn’t really know what to call you, you didn’t know me at all
But I was happy to explain.
I never really knew how to move you
So I tried to intrude through the little holes in your veins
And I saw you
But that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

You always seem to know where to find me and I’m still here behind you
In the corner of your eye.
I’ll never really learn how to love you
But I know that I love you through the hole in the sky.

Where I see you
And that’s not an invitation
That’s all I get
If this is communication
I disconnect
I’ve seen you, I know you
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect

Well this is an invitation
It’s not a threat
If you want communication
That’s what you get
I’m talking and talking
But I don’t know
How to connect
And I hold a record for being patient
With your kind of hesitation
I need you, you want me
But I don’t know
How to connect, so I disconnect
I disconnect.



artist : The Cardigans
album : Long Gone Before Daylight
year : 1998

So Long, Goodbye :)

Time passes by, direction unknown
You've left us now but we're not alone
Before you know it your cup's overflown
You measured no one that I've ever known

And it's quite alright
And goodbye for now
Just look up to the stars
And believe who you are
Cause it's quite alright
And so long, goodbye

We always knew that it'd come to this
It's times like these i forget what i miss
Matters of heart are hard to address
Especially when yours is full of emptiness

And it's quite alright
And goodbye for now
Just look up to the stars
And believe who you are
Cause it's quite alright
And so long, goodbye

Well time passes by, direction unknown
You've left us now but we're not alone
Before you know it your cup's overflown
You measured no one that I've ever known

And it's quite alright
And goodbye for now
Just look up to the stars
And believe who you are
Cause it's quite alright
And so long, goodbye.



artist : Sum 41
album : Underclass Hero
year : 2007

Raja Chulan bin Raja Ahmad Tajuddin

my hero ;') . born on the 21st of November 1949. one of the writers for www.sembangkuala.com and serves as a hero for many many unknown others with his motivational talks at events and programs.


dari kecil (14) sampai sekarang, i wasn't one of my parents' favorite. i got 5As for UPSR, then i got into SMK SULTAN BADLISHAH, one of the top schools in Kedah, and i scored 7As for PMR and. . . . .that's probably just it. back in that school, i was known merely for masalah diplin. i have a (half)sister with the same age as mine and she was phenomenally known amongst classes and students for her achievements in many many aspects. we were and are like the closest of male-female friends. but one difference that set us apart way far from each other is that i wasn't as bright-headed as she is. and what more, i am a bit lazy. time form4, disebabkan dier (Raja Izzatul Saadah) dapat 8A dalam PMR dan berjaya dapat markah kokurikulum yang gempak, dier dapat tawaran ke SEKOLAH SAINS MUAR. meanwhile on the other hand, me(Raja Muhammad Amiruddin) dapat 7A dalam PMR tetapi disebabkan masalah disiplin yang tertunggak sangat, dibuang. . . . . . . . . . dan disebabkan tak isi borang untuk sekolah teknik or any other school lepas PMR, saya tak dapat offer ke mana mana pun dan akhirnya masuk ke SEKOLAH MENENGAH KEBANGSAAN SUNGAI KERTAS yang pernah masuk tv3 sebab kes bergaduh sampai pecah kepala, masuk paper sebab kes ada pelajar perempuan dibawa lari dan hampir dirogol. so what -.- ?

saya tak merungut. saya tak kata sekolah tu teruk, sebab dekat situ saya banyak belajar banyak benda baru. di SMKSB, saya banyak belajar tentang cara nak hidup dengan orang tapi di SMKSK, saya banyak belajar macamana untuk hidup berdikari! sepanjang sekolah sini, saya selalu dengar rungutan "kalau la kau belajar leklok dulu" , "kau tu lah, malas" , "patut kau boleh pegi jauh" dan macam macam lagi. saya tak jadikan itu sebab untuk memberontak, saya jadikan itu sebab untuk berjaya. time ambek result SPM ,saya dpt 3A,4B,2C dan 1E. mmber mmber sekolah ramai yang cakap "ok la tu" , tapi balik balik je rumah, tunjuk kat akak saya (Raja Habibatul Zaharah) dier terus geleng kepala pastu "3A je kau dapat, pastu addmath kau E mer?" . see? i'm the black sheep of this family. i have a 'royal blood' streaming through all over my veins yet i acted like a homeless kid back in those days. bile habis zaman sekolah, start keje part time, banyak lagi benda baru yang saya belajar *most of them are bad things. so i'm not gonna stress more on that :P *.

sejak 2009, kepala otak saya ni dah tepu dengan ayat ni sahaja

"Dah besar nanti, korang semua tunggu. Aku akan jadi orang yang berjaya dengan hidup yang senang. Dan korang nak tahu siapa yang akan kongsi rasa senang tu dengan aku? Korang semua. Aku akan jaga korang semua macamana korang semua dah jaga aku dari kecil sampai sekarang. Aku nak korang semua hidup senang. Aku taknak ada orang sentuh langsung korang. Setitik darah korang turun, sebaldi darah aku sendiri aku rela tumpahkan untuk korang."
as long as i'm alive, i will solemnly abide to this 'oath' of mine. just you wait ;') . Pen Off ;O

SHUT UP :')

"Shut the fuck up" she said, "I'm going fucking deaf. You're always too loud, everything's too loud." Now that all my friends left, this place is fucking dead I wanna move out, when can we move out? This shit has got to stop; I'll run away.

"Get the fuck up", she said "your life is meaningless it's going nowhere, you're going nowhere. you're just a fuck-up." she said "I'll live alone instead" she said "you don't care," I know I don't care. I'll never ask permission from you, fuck off I'm not listening to you. I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home :) .

I got too fucked up again, and passed out on the plane tried to forget you, i can't forget you. No sleep on this flight, I'll think about the nights we had to get through. How did we get through? I'll never ask permission from you, fuck off I'm not listening to you. I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home :)

I'll run away. I think it's time that I should leave. I'll never ask permission from you, fuck off i'm not listening to you. I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home :)



I think it's time for me to leave :)




written by: Markus Allan Hoppus :)

where oh where?

back when i was 14 or so, i tend to have lots of my free times spent on songwriting. i wouldn't say that i was achieving for quality, it was rather more on quantity. i wrote on simple things back then. there's a song me and friends of mine wrote about one of our warden back in SMK SULTAN BADLISHAH, entitled "Abang Johari" . it was chop suey-ly done but that song was a blast among students because Cikgu Johari wasn't really a favorite amongst us. it was fun. and there's this another song we wrote untuk hari persembahan asrama. lagu melayu yang rasanya takde tajuk *or maybe i forgot already* yang kitorang tulis dan arrange hampir setiap hari. that song was one of my favourite. it was soothing. balik sekolah, main lagu tu. lepas makan, main lagu tu. lepas prep, main lagu tu. takleh tido, main lagu tu. bila hari persembahan yang ditunggu tu tiba, kitorang tukar sikit lirik lagu last minute and the singer went right on nervous and he didn't even sing a word on that very day. but it was a very blissful moment when suddenly some students from the audience at the back are singing along to the song that we didn't even sing ;') . bukan setakat member lelaki, yang perempuan sekali sebab kitorang practice selalunye memekak sampai orang boleh dgr. sampaikan dorang boleh hafal :) . touching ;')

later in life, i learnt many many new stuffs and i tend to write more on heavy sensitive issues rather than the easy-listening stuffs. i wrote more on humanity and love. i even tried on political issues but i was never great at that subject. there are many good songs written back then, but i was aiming high. good won't do, yet great will barely suffice. i was aiming for excellency. good songs are kept aside until at one point i couldn't even remember the melody of my own written songs. berlagak la katakan. rasa diri dah cukup bagus. padahal tulis merapu.


but seriously, the point of me posting this entry is because nak mengadu yang sekarang ni saya nak tulis lagu pon tak reti langsung dah. haiiihhh ;'( . another beloved hobby went lost. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :'*

Kenapa chewing gum diharamkan di Singpore?

Rasanya ramai yang dah tahu chewing gum is a banned stuff In Singapore. Cakap pasal chewing gum dan Singapore nie. Ada satu cerita, PM Singapore pegi ke Thailand, dia makan malam dengan raja Siam. Mula-mula diorang makan udang, PM Singapore tanya kat raja siam lepas makan udang , apa orang Thailand buat dengan kulit udang? Raja Siam jawab: "kami tak buat apa.kami buang aje" PM Singapore: "ooo kat Singapore , kami recycle kulit udang Jadik keropok udang, lepas tu kami eksport ke Thailand?" Lepas tu diorang makan limau plak. PM Singapore Tanya lagi " Lepas makan limau, apa orang Thailand buat dengan kulit limau?" Raja Siam jawab "kami tak buat apa,kami buang aje" PM Singapore: "ooo kat Singapore, kami recycle kulit limau jadik Jus limau, lepas tu kami eksport ke Thailand" Last sekali, diorang makan chewing gum, seperti biasa PM Singapore pun Tanya "Apa orang Thailand buat dengan chewing gum yang dah dimakan?" Raja Siam jawab "Kami tak buat apa, kami! buang aje" PM Singapore: "ooo kat Singapore, lepas makan chewing gum, kami recycle jadik kondom, lepas tu kami eksport ke Thailand" Raja Siam plak Tanya: "apa orang Singapore buat dengan kondom selepas digunakan?" PM Singapore jawab:" kami tak buat apa, kami buang aje." Raja Siam: "ooo kat Thailand, lepas guna kondom, kami recycle jadik chewing gum, Lepas tu kami eksport ke Singapore" Erk! muka PM Singapore jadik merah padam" dan sebaik saja PM Singapore Balik ke negaranya, dia terus ban chewing gum di Singapore, sampai sekarang! Itulah kisahnya, kenapa chewing gum di-ban kat Singapore?

Revenge Of My Sith

saya lahir di Hospital Daerah Kuala Kangsar pada 9hb Oktober 1991. Pernah menetap sekejap di Kampung Talang ketika kecik kecik dulu. Lepas tu teros ke Gombak. Dari kecik sampai ke besar sinilah tempat bermulanya segala segalanya bagi saya, segalanya kecuali muzik. Saya bersekolah di SMK SULTAN BADLISHAH dari form1 hingga form3 kemudian saya kena. . . . .enough with that. moving on, gombak has been a great great teacher for me and my loyal companion, soul. i'd learnt a lot of valuable things here. musically, this is where i grew up on eventhough sadly, this is not where i'd started. setiap kali orang bertanya pasal Gombak, thousands of hundred thousands stories came up in these colourful thoughts of mine which i can't ever be able to share with mere words. salah satu kebanggaan saya di Gombak; ialah industri muziknya. You guys don't even know Gombak, so shut the ef up. it is true that Gombak holds such massive numbers for domestic violence and juvenile crimes, but look at the brightside! nowadays, semua tempat pun macam tu, someone/somewhere/something has to be put on blame, so that's where Gombak steps in.

shit, tersalah topik. saya belajar music dengan ramai orang sepanjang pembesaran saya menjadi dewasa. haha. salah seorang ialah nik adib. looking at his achievements right now, hati rasa panas sebab aku nak macam tu jugak. aku nak bekerja keras sehingga kan semua orang bangga dengan aku. aku inginkan semua! GOT X, GOT IT ALL! daym -.-

NIK ADIB


from left= Safwan (bass, backing vocal), Joey (2nd guitar, lead vocal), Batang (drums), and Nik Adib (2nd vocal, lead guitar) at the 2009 Soundstage final and Muzik Muzik. terharu beb.
wait, you wouldn't think that i would have this one post only with blabbering on a friend's success? do you? well how about friends' success? but not all of them are friends of mine, aite? check this cool guys out. all hailing from GOMBAK! Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :) . *some of them are not even friends of mine, but hellz yeah Gombak is where their heart is :) *

679 - Punk Rock / Ska / Punk

Sunday Morning Glory n.k.a Leech - Grunge / Alternative Rock

Against The Wall - Pop Punk / Screamo / Alternative

Ballad For Layla - Screamo / Metal

Coda - Indie / Pop Rock / Alternative

this is suicide season ;'(

i'm not a great guitarist. i'm not even good in songwriting but i love listening to deep complex composition. saosin beats all, but i can't go on a life based on only saosin aite? so here's another fave band of mine. a death metal band hailing from the land of reeboks and sneakers, Britain; i give you Bring Me The Horizon.




this band has a great number of fans yet sadly, most of them are girls who are only interested with the frontman, Oliver Sykes, but not at all at their music. it's true that Oli has a great moral issues lingering his every presence, but throughout interviews you'll see that him and the others are a bunch of very sensitive guys who are aware of the surrounding's current tribulation. i ain't much of a great fan but i'm really digging Suicide Season. a song available in their previous album entitled "Suicide Season". here's a video with lyrics below. it's a very superbly-moving-and-touching sad song wrote excellently by them guys. enjoy ;')



We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too
For when he died, he took a part of you
No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes
No explanations, no fucking reasons why
I watched it eat you up, pieces fallen on the floor
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him back home again
Don't give up hope my friend, this is not the end
We stare at broken clocks, the hands don't turn anymore
The days turn into nights, empty hearts and empty places
The day you lost him, I slowly lost you too
For when he died, he took a part of you
Death is only a chapter
So let's rip out the pages of yesterday
Death is only a horizon
And I'm ready for my sun...
I'm ready for my sun to set
This is suicide season!
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
We would climb our way to Heaven, and bring him home again
We would do anything to bring him back to you
We would do anything to end what you're going through
If only sorrow could build a staircase, or tears could show the way
I would climb my way to Heaven, and bring him home again
I would do anything to bring him back to you
Because if you got him back, I would get back the friend that I once knew

Immortal Technique

Follow these steps procedurally, and do not skip any of the steps.


1. Masuk youtube.
2. Search Immortal Technique.
3. Ambik lagu Tell The Truth.
4. Dengar lirik dier.
5. THINK PEOPLE!

Stick to the golden rule; stay in school, fool.

Around 0400 on 12th of August; which is yesterday, a great lesson in life was learned.

i was busy doing an assignment, whilst the other dudes are goofing around as usual. Then din ajak g sahur, saya bersiap siap secepat mungkin sebab perot dah lapar kaw kaw. Everything was normal when suddenly din and azim told me to get all of the boys downstair 'cause there's a policeman who wants to do an inspection. I went down nauseated with many many questioning lingering in this head of mine. *Sebelum turun, sempat tgk brapa ramai polis ada depan rumah. Satu VAN D8! Smua dalam uniform. Yang kat rumah kitorang seorang pakcik with handcuffs hanging from his shoulder. HANDCUFFS dengan tekanan lebih di huruf S dekat hujung! All the other policemen were in the next door, doing urine tests to almost everyone there. I WAS PETRIFIED TO DEATH AT THAT EXACT MOMENT!*

polis kat rumah kitorang tanya, "brape orang yang hisap rokok dalam rumah ni?" dan saya antara yang terawal yang angkat tangan. A great offense is a great deffense aite? Then the cop asked some questions on age, background, etc and predictably latter he asked us this "siapa yg pernah ambik dadah?" . My heart stopped beating almost literally back then and my head had been flashing many many beloved faces of mine upon hearing that wretched question of his! I was going to say no when suddenly rahman chimed in with "kitorang takde sampai macam tu sekali cik. Rokok je paling teruk" . Pastu pakcik tu tanya lagi "boleh kitorang nak buat urine test kat semua orang?" and almost everyone there nodded with a yes. My thoughts went right on hysterical when suddenly that pakcik cakap "korang blaja leklok, jangan buat bukan bukan. Pakcik pun ada anak besar besar korang." and he asked us to write our names on a piece of paper. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .and thankfully that was just about it. Palotak dah pikir macam macam dah. Lepas pakcik tu keluar dari rumah, most of the boys came to me and said "nasib baik kau kali ni amer. Takyah la buat dah lepasni. Kau g tengok rumah sebelah, ape jadi. Kau nak kena camtu?"

lepas rumah kitorang settle dgn benda tu, kitorang sambung balik plan asal; sahur. Sebelum gerak, smpat tgk rumah sebelah. Budak2 rumah tu smua kena duduk style mcm dalam lokap lepas urine test. Budak2 rumah sebelah semuanya budak kelantan yang terlampau baik je dgn kitorang. After the night was done, we asked the guys next door what had happened and they told us some of the guys kena angkut masuk lokap. Rupa-rupanya rumah tu kena mark dgn polis,t ak tahu la samada sebab orang report atau pemeriksaan random.



BUT THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ME TOO! Walaupun saya selalu cuba untuk berbuat baik dengan semua orang, tak semestinya orang akan terima kesilapan saya. Thank you ALLAH for saving me yesterday. I'm owing you more now than ever ;')

Nothing Is What It Seems Without You

Saosin has been my foremost favorite band way back in 2007 since i'd first listened to 'Voices' . Well yeah i'm late at it 'cause Saosin first debuted in the year 2002 with Anthony Green as the frontman, but i had pretty much STUDIED almost everything about them since then. My guitar-ing had improved few scales wider since i started playing Saosin's. I started practising singing in uber high notes that at one point i remembered having only HOT drinks to quench my thirst, and it continued for weeks then months. Although i still couldn't pretty much sing the exact note like Cove Reber *current frontman* , the least is i can sing in higher notes than before. Err whatever. Saosin had inspired reasons for a lot of things in my life, their lyrics are super genius yet in a way still managed to be true, their music defies trends and their attitudes are the best!

Saosin was a quick bloomer. Upon having their first EP released, their fanbase grew so effing large in such a short period that they were noted as 'the band with the greatest DIY marketing strategy'. EP was so phenomenal that they were soon offered a recording contract with Capitol Records which shook the bandmates so hard that it caused Anthony Green to leave the band. But it was all good, no bad blood or etc. Anthony stated that it was too fast for him and he wasn't ready to leave his family behind for this and so he left in the year 2003. The empty post was later taken in the same year 2003 by Cove Reber who was only 19 when he started for Saosin! He went from a complete no-one to the one with a promising future!

i had always been envying Jakarta because it was amongst the earliest land on Asia to ever have Saosin to perform. I had been counting hours and days that they might plan even maybe a mini show in Malaysia since their first show in Asia. Well my wait ended on the 2nd of February 2010 :) . The show was epic.

It worths the wait. It worths the comments i'd left on their Myspace. It worths the classes i'd skipped. It worths 2 days of no sleep. It worths the beloved guitar that i'd sold. It worths the songs i wrote. It worths reading their discography and Wikipedia entry. It worths viewing every video of them on YouTube. It was worth every single ounce of it ;')

main reason for this entry?
It is official, that Cove Reber had left the band ;'( . I am sooo superbly depressed

"Fiat Sapienta Virtus"

MALAY COLLEGE OF KUALA KANGSAR


For the subject Pengajian Malaysia, kami disuruh pergi ke mana mana lokasi bersejarah/penting di dalam Malaysia dan sediakan satu laporan menyeluruh serta video sebagai bukti kunjungan kami. Kami (Raja Muhammad Amiruddin, Muhammad Mustaqim, Muhammad Asyraf dan Muhammad Izzudin) telah berkunjung ke Malay College Of Kuala Kangsar.

Saya lahir di Hospital Daerah Kuala Kangsar dan pernah menetap sekejap di Kampung Talang, Kuala Kangsar. Sebelum ni selalu jugak balik KK, tetapi kebelakangan ni sudah jarang sebab family saya semakin busy with every upcoming years :( . But that's not the point here. KK was and is a great place, i held many sweet memories here. i remembered my first cendol there, i remembered our visit to Clifford High School, i remember having a nice stroll with my family around the Istana *stroll menaiki kereta. err what word should we use for that huh? :P * and most of my first Solat Sunat Aidilfitris there yet most importantly, my very first breath upon living, is THERE, in KUALA KANGSAR. Tapi semalam bila sampai KK jadi macam pening pening sikit sebab dah lama tak pergi. Rasa lain macam. Felt like an outsider -.- . shaitte! our first stop, rumah mus. sampai dalam pukul 2 pagi lebih jugak la. sampai sampai teros melantak nasik! wahhhh naik tren letih dan lapar bai. hahaha hisap rokok kretek, ape aku merepek?


MCKK. that name has a great value in my family. ayah saya, Mr. Raja Chulan bin Raja Ahmad Tajuddin dulu tidak dapat bersekolah di situ walaupun dahulu susur galur diraja diberi kelebihan berbanding pelajar biasa. ayah saya bersekolah di sekolah berhadapan MCKK, Clifford High School. bila masuk MCKK tadi, perasaan sebak macam rushing naik ke kepala. "ini dulu sekolah yang nenek aku nak bapak aku masuk bai!" . i kept having thoughts as that running to and fro vividly in my head. dayym!

we did some interview with the students and some staff there. ape yang paling aku suka dan respect pasal student dorang, bile bercakap dgn dorang, they talk like they were reading from a well-written text! dorang memang hidup dalam sejarah dorang. they feel proud and great having an emblem written "Fiat Sapienta Virtus" pinned on their bright white uniform. we did an interview dengan seorang pelajar senior, and hellz yeah 5 years there do teach him lots of things! fyi, MCKK had successfully gave birth to many great triumph of memorable names in Malaysia. MCKK is also known as 'The Eton of The East' and 'Gateway to High Ranks' . reason(s)? do your research peeps. again, life ain't free mate. shortly said, our 2nd PM, Anwar Ibrahim, Hishammudin, Raja Petra, Sultan Azlan Shah and etc. if you want a list of successful old boys (pelajar lepasan MCKK diberi gelaran Old Boys), that list alone could be as the same length as this boring post of mine :) .

whatever. i'm just a rambling machine went short. Pen Off :)

must-have criterias to be a leader of an organisation/party/COUNTRY

1. Is great with vocabulary and can read from a text superbly well.

2. Knows how to put on faces accordingly to any given situation. Those with a beautiful set of teeth will go far with politics.

3. Great with sweet talks. Knows how to bluff and bullshit his/her way through the organisation's many eyes and hearts and will not have even the tiniest of remorse rising upon doing so.

4. Has a great background, be it from the aspect of academic or even financial state.

5. Must be a great actor/actress who can play well for any given character.

6. Will do almost any-everything to gain stable financial stance, including having the world's largest casino in terms of employment despite the fact that his/her association/country is 'said'-ly of Islamic traits.

7. Has a back up plan for any possible problems that may occur. Groceries are not selling well? "Increase the import quota for alcohol and ciggs." Lot reserved for a mosque is developing slow and consuming loads of money? "Abandon the whole project and have the lot re-cleared to make way for a big shopping mall." A religion/way of life from GOD is outdated nowadays? "'Renew' the religion with nice new names (such as Hadhari) and new beliefs." People choose money over honey? "Well money is the source of all creations aite?"

8. Knows how to make a great use of an old unused concept (adaptation) . The society is breaking apart merely because of racism values lately. "When the kids are united, they will never be united." a strong association is a success when unity is taken seriously into matter. Israel is a strong 'country' and they were united due to a concept realised back in the '80s. The concept was known as 'One Israel' . 1Malaysia sounds nice huh?

9. A leader is clearly a successful one when even the truth couldn't bring him/her down.


So is our leader a great one? YES, because eventhough I'm writing nothing but only of sheer truth, I'm still a nobody who couldn't make any differences to this 'rightfully-pompous' association of ours. Think I'm bluffing eyh? Do your research peeps and you'll agree with these humble opinions of mine. Pen Off :)

Dendang Perantau

Puasa dah dekat. Antara budak budak rumah sewa, saya duduk kat area paling dekat; Gombak, tp rindunye, ya Allah! Seminggu tak balik rasa rindu kaw kaw! Haaiih, then what about ipoh huh? Perak is where my soul is and yeah it's been quite a long time since my last visit there. How's everyone doing? What's new? I need thousands of answers for these wordless questions lingering in this head of mine. Rumah ni lagu raya bukan kemaen lg play tak habis habis ;') . Please please wait me there everybody, i wanna see every single of you so very desperately!

vert picnic

at malacca. for my very very first show with ZAIHEIRILL ZAINUDDIN, MUHAMMAD MUAZZAM and MUHAMMAD FADHLAN with ZAKEY AZHAR as our 'photographer'. haha no lah. he's there with us for moral support and having fun. FADHLAN and ZAKEY are not in the picture.


this? don't ask. from left ZAKEY,ME and FADHLAN. don't ask why the face!


picture taken right after the Saosin's show at the KL Live Center, February 1st 2010. and fyi, tho m sure it's obvious that Saosin is my favorite band ever, together in line with blink 182 and Devildriver. from left; me (-.-), IZZAT FADHULLLAH and YON/ZAIHEIRULL.


ipoh. balik raya. think the year was errr last year i think. with my sisters. from left RAJA IZZATUL SAADAH, RAJA SAJIDATUL BARIRAH, RAJA NUR CZARINA, RAJA HABIBATUL ZAHARAH and me. haihhhh kenangan ;')


taman batu muda. skatepark. i was never really really good with skateboarding but hellz yeah it is one of my favorite sport up until now. miss those days :( .


haha smk sungai kertas. yahh laugh about the name lah. adoi. i started secondary in SMK SULTAN BADLISHAH, Kulim, Kedah. i was there until form 3 but then something went terribly wrong and. . . senang citer takleh sekolah situ dah la :P . and so i was sent back to gombak into this school, smk sungai kertas. aihhhh. time muda semua benda nak try ek? life goes on :) . from left: KHIRUL HILMI, FUAD MUSTAFFAR, me and MUHAMMAD AZIZI.


time ni bulan puasa. dekat bazaar ramadhan :) . muka ZAIHEIRILL masih macam anak cina lagi time ni dan jamal masih lagi kuat pengaruh Kurt Cobain. hellz yeah. from left; jamal and zai.


nice stupid playground eyt? haha me with seorang kawan yang terlampau terbaik. terterterbaik. ade ke ayat cenggitu? muhammad zein terbaik. get to know him and you'll really know how a crazy friend really is. he's now serving as one of our country's line of defense. askar bai. haiihh kau terbaek mat :') . balik la gombak bro.


baru balik sekolah. no long-and-really-straight-hair back then. and not much of zits too! daymm!

kasut bawak pegi sekolah. i was never a teacher's pet ok. UPSR dapat 5a, PMR dapat 7a but then masa bersekolah dekat SMK SUNGAI KERTAS, semuanya drop. SPM 3a je -.- . whatever la kan? haha.


rooftop selayang mall. time serong sekolah. haha.


upon arriving at malacca for our first show, we stopped at uitm malacca sebab FADHLAN nak gi jumpa kekasih hati dier jap :)


baru lagi rasenye gambar ni. berjalan jalan di kotaraya kuala lumpur dengan AFNAN MERICAN NOORDIN dan FIRDAUS ABDULLAH(sepupu afnan).


my other half of music. besides playing alternative/grunge with guys stated earlier, i also play pop punk/screamo with these guys. check them out on MySpace and Facebook, type in Against The Wall :) . from left NAIM RUKI, MUHD KAMAL and YON/ZAIHEIRULL.


against the wall after a jamming session. ZAIHEIRULL and KHALEED.


from left ZAIHEIRILL,AMER MOS,ASYRAF and IZZAT NOORDIN .


sorry. but i just can't help reminiscing my past at the back of my eyes. so i started looking for these old pictures and hellz yeah they rules. time moves on aite? so get out and get busy living or die trying :) . have a fun meaningful life everyone :) . Pen Off.