Today.

The question that I'd been running from since the beginning of time "When and where will I further my study after I'm done with my diploma?" . And every time someone asks me that, it feels like I'm dodging bullets. There is a possibility that I'll survive but it's a thin one.

And today, I'm pretty sure what the answer is. I'm tired of telling lies to myself almost every single time this question popped out. I'm not saying that it's a certain thing, but I can see where this is headed. It's a really rocky steep cliff from up here, and it's wayyyy up high I can't even breathe right. I've been recovering real good from that last incident, but now I don't think that I can't get up again, not anymore. A clear mental image has it been. I guess I just have to be honest to myself and let go of that dream of mine to have a degree in the near future. I will work my way out for a degree, I will. I'm not sad, nor am I agitated because it's not even the right time for me to have any of these feelings. For things to be clear, I decided this for myself and it's not because of any external factors. It's not about any financial problem, nor is it about any conflicts. I have two more younger sisters that are waiting for their time to shine and an elder sister who is shining as bright as the moon. Education is vital, but family tops all. I need and have to be prepared for the future. Come what may, I'll live on for the sake of my family members. You'll call it dramatic, I'll call it F-You.

Aidilfitri & Holidays.

I'm not into blogging like the way I used to, but I really feel like writing right now 'cause there's just too much things going on and I need a medium to untangle these knots in my head. So here it is; www.blogger.com. My way of sharing things. This year's Aidilfitri got me thinking about lots of things, adding more to my list of Things-To-Think. In shorter terms, it seems the day that I'd wished to never happen is slowly building up its courage to come to the front door. And come to think of it, many of these occasions happened either in Syawal or holidays. Just pointing it out, tho.

This Aidilfitri, was the second time in my life that I'd seen my father cried his eyes out, and it wasn't good for any of us. I barely managed to hold it in, tho. He is my role model and my all-time hero and seeing him in that situation really freaks me out. I really am not ready for any of this to happen. I haven't even tell him of how much he meant to me and all of the plans that I'd kept for the future, for him, for mother, for us. All that is well will surely ends well, right? I'll be waiting, and I hope that it's worth it 'cause I'll never know.

Nicer :)

All that is well, will surely ends well :)

Death, and all of its friends.

I went back to my hometown last Tuesday and had the best brief getaway so far. Seeing once 2 year old now grown up and the best blessing was to see my grandmas from both side, healthy and happy. It wasn't long tho, for at 1900hrs(more or less) we got a text from my sister mentioning the death of his boyfriend's mother. It was a painful moment and we decided to pay a visit but had to rather cancel it because the burial is set to be at Terengganu. The next day, we went straight back to Gombak.

Today, at 1734 I received a text message from a friend of mine, his mom died. Death never knew how to rest, that's for sure. It was like the fourth most depressing moment in my life, yes FOURTH. In my head, I started imagining living as him, waking up every day with a bitter taste of loss, losing that one spot that you can cling onto, realizing that there will no longer be a happy Mother's Day, and most of all; living WITHOUT a mom. Death knows no boundaries and death cares nothing about the word 'family'. Death works alone and it causes loneliness, hard fact. I started imagining things, lots of things. Mostly about the possibility of death occurring anytime anywhere. When will I be dead? Everybody dies, so it's a really disturbing question that lingers endlessly in my head.

Nightmares, they did happen to me once in a while. But what nightmare is for me, is totally different from your average ones. I'm not scared at all of ghosts, or anything of that league, I AM PETRIFIED BY THE FACT THAT DEATH EXIST. I used to wake up from bed with wet pillows, caused by many uneasy dreams that involve the death of my many beloved ones. I had once dreamt about the death of my sister, my parents and sometimes my own death. I gotta admit, I'd lost just too many people throughout my life. Imagine hearing the news of your friend's death from an awful road accident, death by a serious fever, and how about losing your brother from a terrible road crash? Or worse still, losing your very own mother whose pregnant and is about close to deliver a baby? An uncle of yours? Friends? These were only the death that I'd suffered through. How about yours? What hurts me the most, is the mentality of our people that take no serious heed of death that happens around them. Be it the death of their own friend, even. And when death comes by to their very house and take away someone they truly love, they started acting all depressed of a sudden and be more depressed when people aren't showing the sympathy that they'd expect. Beat it, you weren't there when they needed you. All you ever did was saying you're sorry and gave away some nice words to soothe them. Karma's a whack, yes. The next time someone lost their loved ones, imagine yourself as them. That would probably put some humanity in you.

Live your life well, or die trying. Al-Fatihah.

Dearest You.

I used to love to write things up on Facebook before i started blogging. I was just having fun browsing through lots of the things that i had once wrote minutes ago and i found this. A poem i wrote for my most beloved person ever. I'm not gonna spill you up the identity, but IF you were to read between the lines then you might just figure who this poem was intended to. No matter who you are, or from where you are, I guarantee you that this poem can be easily deciphered :) .


we are the only possible twos in one.
yet i can't remember the falls i've taken for you.
i don't seem to remember the laughs we'd shared but surely,
i wouldn't forget your very name.
i saw you once in my dream.
nothing but words, written to possibly wrote the impossibility, of this enigma.
i knew i used to love every single thing about you,
but would you be mad if i'm saying that i hardly remember you now.?
i'm sorry if i turned out exactly as what you'd never wanted.
i'm sorry if i turned as sour as anyone can be.
i'm sorry if i turned the wrong turns.
i'm sorry if i'd turned out instead of staying in.

i couldn't help but to think of every possibilities, every words and acts,
that might have happened if we are still one.
we started one.
me, from within you.
n thus, one, shall we end as well.
us inside the very soil that gives us life.

i couldn't help to help anymore.
i rather be helped.
oh i really need you.
oh i really miss you.
i can't seem to find any rights in all my wrongs.
i can't see how and why.
i just know now and sky.
forgive me.
accept me.
love me, if it is still possible.
but please, hear me anyone.
i miss you.

Peace :)

me/I

i got this from the Facebook page of Malaysia's professional skateboarder, Kieron Brodie. The words got me so touched up that I can easily say that this note got me all pumped up to skate more and more. All we need is always a bit of inspirational motivations now and then, kan :) ?

Peace, Empathy, Pen off :)

itanimulli

I had always been interested in matters involving conspiracies theory and government frauds, but I'm not obsessed. I love to keep the strings loose because the things that we love most may actually break us down in the end, and there is no exception even in this case. So i was reading a great blog that shares the actual origin and histories of Malay, and I was utterly proud to read the facts written in the posts. We were not only warriors of keris and tombak but we were also the feared warriors of Rentaka and Terakol once, but our corrupted government just loves to keep our minds in the hands of monkeys rather than be in the land of the thinking donkeys.

The title for this post is actually the word ILLUMINATI spelled backward. Now what I want you guys to do is write the title of this post into your internet browser and add .us at the end of it. Press enter and tell me what website appears before your very eyes. Don't deny it, please. Coincidence never existed, it's just another word created to make fun of fate and plans. And oh, have you ever tried typing in ILLUMINATI.US? No? You should try it once and a while. 'Cause I'd tried once just now, and I was really shocked because there in my browser was a website with no navigation links or whatsoever but just a sentence in Latin wrote in white, on a black background. How did I know that it was Latin, because I used Google Translate and it was translated to read:


"or so strongly fortified that it is not be taken with money."
Illuminati.us

"nihil tam munitum quod non expugnari pecunia possit."(The original sentence.)

But I was curious and that sentence alone won't please me. I need more. So I reloaded that page in case there will be navigation links the moment the page is reloaded, but I was wrong. The moment I reloaded the page, everything is gone and the '404 error' occurred. I tried for many many times, but I still couldn't reach that page anymore. Here's a snapshot of the page :


Enlighten me, people. Peace, Empathy, Pen Off.

Takkan Melayu Hilang Di Dunia

Jom belajar sejarah Melayu. Bangsa lain semua ada salasilah mereka sendiri, tapi bila sampai dekat Melayu, bermacam-macam cerita keluar. Tiada langsung satu cerita yang tetap. Jadi, apa kata kita ambik sedikit masa dan baca artikel ni yang menceritakan secara historically tentang salasilah Melayu.

http://aku-macjay.blogspot.com/2011/04/piramid-melayu-tersembunyi-di-lautan.html

Selamat Membaca :)

Yes, that one.

It had been two long years. Yes, two. I'm not a soul to sell, but I'll pretty much sell myself out if I have to. There were enough times for everything but I had rather foolishly wasted it all just to think about it. I need to stop that, it won't change a thing even if it was a bit different back then. I won't last that long. No, not with the way I am. Just to clear it off my throat, yes I did and do think about it every single moment that I can. It's not like I'm obsessed, but it's more like I'm still in love with it. I just have to admit it, right? Well, nothing is really like what it seems nowadays. Peace.

Mi Corazon.

Bros, you guys taught me everything about things that every boys should know. You taught me how to be a man, lessons learnt without any proper instructions. I learn from them, how to love myself. Thank you.

Sisters, you guys were there at moments of which laughter alone couldn't cope with broken hearts. Laughter knows how to die too, but there are things that was and is meant to last. I learn from them, how to love my feelings. Thank you.

Dad, you taught me to be responsible, to stand up for what is right and neglect those of the wrongs. You lifted me up high in the air with your words but with your words too I often crashed to points of surrender. You taught me to be strong, regardless of the endless tribulations in life. You taught me to cherish every moment 'cause you are my living proof that people age, but not memories. The stories of your life inspires me, your name itself means legend to me. You are a walking legend. I learn from you, how to love my life. Thank you.

Mom, you were there when I needed to laugh. You were there the moment I needed someone to blame, you were there the moment I needed something to cling onto, you were there when I fall, you were there behind every of my success. You nourish me good with your love, and with you I don't think any other nutrients are important. Calcium can't never beat you. You're way greater than those biological things. You, are what anomaly stands for. You'd shown to me that what is lost is still there somewhere, in a different shape and form. You are that shape and form. You may not be the first, but you're the first living thing that had ever stole my heart. I smile when you smile, I will only laugh when you laugh. And when you cry, it hurts me the most yet I know that there's not much that I can do now but I can assure you that as I grow older, we'll be living a better life. Better than you could ever imagined. I'll be there when your skin is all wrinkled up, and I will still be there even when your memories had gone berserk. You filled up a hole that I'd left empty for so long. You're that missing piece. I've been wrong for so long and I know that you'll never be able to read this, but believe me; I LOVE YOU. I learn from you, how to love and how to live. Thank you.

Peace, Empathy, Love Off :')

Co-operate 'Please'.

Kawan kakak aku telah pulang ke rahmatullah Jumaat lepas. Punca kematian ialah langgar lari.

"Siapa ada info pasal Myvi putih, passo bodykit, WQH 545, please inform me. Dia langgar lari kawan saya, Kim Sadihan Jumaat lepas. Thank u."

"Semua details dah dapat. Including the name. Cuma sekarang tgh cari budak tu. Nama dia Ali Zainal Abidin bin Alimudin. Siapa kenal, tell him, we're not out to hurt him. The least he could do is say sorry."

Ada saksi kejadian, dan ini adalah posts kakak aku berkenaan maklumat yang ada. Tolong. Dan baru semalam, seorang kawan aku telah meninggal dunia kerana kemalangan, dilanggar bas. Tiada kecederaan luar, punca kematian ialah kecederaan dalaman. Tapi at least, pemandu bas tu tak lari lepas langgar. PENGECUT je yang berani pukul curi. And in this case, hit and run. Benda macam ni jugaklah antara sebab utama kenapa aku takde lesen. Risau, dan takut *seriously* . Sebaik mana pun kita kat jalan raya, orang lain belum tentu lagi baik. Manusia, bila orang yang jauh kehilangan seseorang "Oh, just another death. Normal la tu." itu lah yang difikirkan. Tapi bila terjadi kat batang hidung sendiri, pada masa tu lah, orang lain pulak yang akan kata "Oh, just another death. Normal la tu." , sakit tak? Kita prone to show sympathy only when that death is on the news or the papers. The everyday deaths? "Well they're everyday right? Why bother." That's how the world spins. Want some, get some. Me, I'd lost my everything twice in life. It hurts now and then, but that explains why I have nothing. You may had lose everything, but I had lost them TWICE. Yeahh, you will definitely say that I'm exaggerating but see, everything means different things to different people. My everything had already been long gone, now I'm just holding on to anything that I can. I'm not sad, nor am I complaining, I just want to share. Berbalik kepada topik, sesiapa kenal atau terjumpa kereta atau orang yang diceritakan di atas, tolong pukul dia sampai lunyai. Heh, taklah. Sila maklumkan kat aku supaya keluarga mangsa dapat dengar apa yang mereka nak. JANGAN pukul atau berbuat kasar kat orang tu, please.

4-Wheeled Drive (Pt. 2)

4 nights in a row. Non-stop skateboarding. My thighs are killing me. Been bathing with sweats. More and more cuts. Lack of sleep.

So as always, we went skateboarding again last night and stopped at dawn. I reached home at around 0720, but I forgot to bring the keys, plus no one is in the house 'cause they all had left for work. I was left to stand there in front of my own house looking dumbstruck and clueless. My tired physique made it much harder for my head to think straighter and I really felt like punching someone out back then. With nowhere to rest my head off, I went to a friend's house and decided to lay my scratched body there. I finally slept at 0900+ something. Later at 1200 I woke up to find out that my friend was getting prepared to send his sister to school, so I had to once again find another sweet spot to sleep. This time, I was determined that I will sleep in my own house, my room, my own bed, no matter what. Even if I have to slam the door down! Upon reaching the house, I noticed that my mom's arrived home from work and hence, the nightmare ended and later led to a great recovery sleep that took out half of my day. With this done said, it will be a great idea to currently slow down these skateboarding activity for these wounds and cuts to heal and make room for the future ones (and also to avoid this tiring incident ever again -.- ) . Peace, Empathy, Skate-off :)

4-Wheeled Drive

I've been practicing more now than ever on skateboarding. It was once a favorite hobby of mine, but then I started to feel bored because of the slow progress that I made. Up until recently, I had grown more passionate about skateboarding. I love everything about it now, and I will try to never ever be pissed off of the speed of my progress. I know that I'm a bit slow in learning something new, but that won't be of any barrier between me and this new old hobby of mine :) .

Despite all of this that I've said, I still couldn't find enough confidence to play in a skatepark. 'Cause the skatepark that I usually go to is a place crammed full with dudes that do stuffs that I can't never do in months, or maybe years. And so I decided to go street skateboarding with some of my close friends at the town. We played and played from dark to dawn. Two continuous nights had definitely took the toll off me. I'm aching all over, and my body now seems to be enjoying every of its new scratches and cuts. These two tiring nights had made me realized why I wasn't making any much of a progress before, it is simply because I had never learnt to fall. Yes, because when I first started playing I started safe. There were many tiny errors, but never an epic fall. Now, I can simply say that I'm happy if I were to fall ever again, because only then can I say that I'm learning. The same as with life, we should really be happy to fall so that we can learn to appreciate the ups much better. Happy skating everyone :) . Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :)

Herbology 101

I've been falling back to lots of my old habits lately, and one of it includes heavy smoking. I had once managed to quit smoking for like 3 months before starting this 'hobby' all over again. When I first started smoking, it was for the fun of it and for the pleasure-ness i get from that heavy riot-like smoke running down the air stream. I wouldn't dare to admit the fact that I am a heavy smoker 'cause there are lots of other people around me that smoke a hell lot more than me back in my early-years-of-smoking, and so I came up with the idea to categorize myself as a 'middleweight smoker', *if this term ever exist* . I used to smoke around 10 cigarettes the most at any given day, but ever since months ago, I noticed that I smoked AT LEAST 10 to 12 cigarettes per day.

And it wasn't long before the effects take control of the wheel, as I had been having continuous headache lately. 'Cause of this headache, I couldn't stand to see any lights or hear any loud or screeching noises as it will only amplify these throbbing pain that I go through. And my throat just can't take any of this anymore. I wake up every single day with a 'scratched-out' feeling within this walls of esophagus, and this will sound pretty weak but I can't sing at notes that I can normally do. In a simpler form; I can't sing anymore. Plus, nicotine is a really bad ass menace. I really want to stop smoking but I failed to do so every time I smell or see the mesmerizing smokes of a cigarette. It's lame but it's true, you may have stumbled upon these words so very frequently but believe me, it is HARD to quit smoking. I just hope that these headaches will soon go away without having to have me as its companion.
Peace, Empathy, Smoke-off.

Living On Herbs

These lies had paid off,
I need another night to sing.
But how long will you stay?

'Cause all of the reasons you'd taken for granted,
Had been granted.
Now as you can see,

I'm happy, but not now,
I'd traded it for the rest of my life.
I lose it all by gluing this heart.

Yes, you see me,
But can you heal me?
I need, another dose of life.
'Cause all of the treasons you'd taken credit,
Falls back to your hip,
I wish you were asleep.

Ohh I'd wished you well.

Frozen Creek

I enjoy writing songs because it gave me the dreams of being able to communicate with people by means of verbal and non-verbal noises clinging to each other. But I dare not say that I do well in this interest of mine as I couldn't make words come alive no matter how hard I try, and I still couldn't find that one special ingredient that would possibly make this broth of mine edible.

There's this one song by Circa Survive entitled 'Frozen Creek' that made me felt totally lost between every lines of words that Anthony sang, and both Ekstrom and Frangicetto made it felt like this song is actually crying. I'm sure that if I ever indulge to letting numbness takes over my brain again, this song will surely be the song that will drives me suicidal. It's not like I'm inclined to kill myself but all I'm trying to stress here is Circa Survive had successfully touched the back of my brain without having to smash my skull. I could listen to this song at any given time and will then start feeling empty the moment the first line of words come in. I've been a follower of Circa Survive ever since their very first album and I had barely managed to get myself out of their every hypnotic songs since then, yet this song made me felt like getting out isn't perhaps the best thing to do. I love my life and this song somehow made me realized that now. I do know that not everyone will share the same view as mine regarding this song, but for once, if you put yourself in the writer's position and you were to sing that song given all of the things the writer had went through then you'll know exactly what I mean. And it is stated in the band's official blog, during the process of making the album 'Blue Sky Noise' , Anthony had to be checked in to a mental institution due to what he states as a situation of "mentally bankrupt and ruined with self-doubt."



"I feel like it says a million things. It’s all in the album, and it’s all in the other albums. It’s a bunch of unsaid stuff that I haven’t recorded yet. Every album is a chapter and a step toward the truth. And you’re never going to get there, you just have to keep going and going. I want this record to be in the world. It only makes sense out there. I’m like a pregnant mother about to explode. I just want it out there. It’s weighing me down and I love it so much and I just want it to be alive so I can put it to my teat."
Anthony Green - on describing the band's third full-length album, 'Blue Sky Noise'

Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

bear vs shark

MALE : someone tells him that he looks familiar, and a 1 hour conversation might just start there.
FEMALE : someone tells her that she looks familiar, she might just rolled her eyes and left with a 'sheesshh'

MALE : talk shits about someone straight to that someone's face but can still share a table and have a laugh the very next day with that someone.
FEMALE : talk shits about someone way behind that someone's back and that someone will forever be in exile.

MALE : got punched in the face but will possibly get back in peace with that someone someday.
FEMALE : got punched in the face? THIS IS WAR, BIATCHHH!

MALE : a problem should only be considered as a problem if it involves someone else.
FEMALE : A PROBLEM is everything!

MALE : they gather and have fun doing silly stuffs.
FEMALE : they gather and have fun talking about planning on a road trip, but then ended up talking shits about the guys that they barely even knew. REALITY.


Done said. Peace.

newer me.

it has been so long since i'd last had my hair cut short, so i'd decided to cut my hair short. done said :)

Peace, Empathy, Pen Off :')

yes, you.

you're a real darling,
and a real pain the very next second.
you're the only one who would listen to my every nonsense and craps,
yet you're also the one who would condemn me to my very core.
you gave it all, though i'd never even gave anything in return yet.

thanks mom :')

what's with you?

i speak foully, but that doesn't count you in as a saint.
i act wrongly, but wouldn't you do the same?

i hate seeing faces, i hate being the losing party,
i hate to be traced, and i hate to be an anomaly.
i fucking hate almost anything nowadays. what the fuck is wrong with everyone?

Peace, Empathy, FUCK OFF!